Monday, January 22, 2001

Well, once again it is Monday morning, and I have a multitude of things to do....but right now I choose to reflect upon those things that I experienced this weekend. Renee and I went to our marriage preparation class together from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. The day flew by because we were doing so many fun things. Most of the exercises were very revealing in the sense that I learned almost as much about myself as what I did about Renee. There were some things that I was nervous about going into in regard to conflict resolution because I always have this anxiety about arguing. But after the initial ice was broken I got a clearer understanding of Renee's point of view on a lot of things. There is no sense in embarking on the "how and why" of many things that we go through, but just to understand that they are there, things happen, but we need to accomodate one another as much as we can, and to live our lives solely for the purpose of bettering one another, and the people that are intimately associated with us. Mainly the boys, and our respective families and friends. Though I felt pretty good about the day, and some of the things that we covered I remained in a pensive mood. Renee and I decided to go to Barnes and Noble directly afterward to browse the publications and have some of that Godiva Hot Chocolate. I looked through some books on poetry and photography, and Renee looked at some books on the wedding. I had a good time, but I just really wanted to spend more time with her. We went home and had a few moments to ourselves before Randall and Tee came down. Don't get me wrong, I didn't mind them coming, and in all actuality I had looked forward to their arrival, but something at that class made me really take an introspective look at myself, my life, my career, my spirituality, and my position with my immediate family. That night Randall and I went to R&C's and I whooped him in quite a few games of pool. :-) (That is my game you know), and I had a chance to take my mind off of some of the things, but only for a moment. Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I am not grateful for what I have, but I just want to see more reward for the things that I do. I want more money so I can do more for Renee and the boys. I want more money so I don't have to work two jobs to maintain. I want to spend free time with them, and be there for them if they need anything. I realize that hard work and time away is the sacrifice that we sometimes must make in order to achieve a better life down the road, but I also realize that my carefree ways in the past have also helped to put me into my present position. I shared these thoughts with Renee, and she was very supportive, and she just said that no matter what we had one another, and that is all that mattered. She was 100% correct...for some reason I felt like crying all day long, and I didn't know whether I was sad, happy, relieved or depressed for a long time. But when I look at it, it was a catharsis for me because I finally realized what I have needed to do, and where I need to be, has been painfully obvious for a long time, but to date I have just attended to matters at hand for the most part. And in a sense I have lived "Carpe Diem", that is fine and good for some things, but matters of the heart and soul need to be looked at thoroughly from all angles. In fact your long term goals should dictate your day to day behaviors...it only makes sense. I look at some of the issues that one of my Fraternity brothers is going through. Though he is intelligent, artistically gifted--and could have any style of life that he chooses if he would apply himself--I have met "living room furniture" that makes better thought out decisions in life. It is easy to look at the extreme things that he has done to himself, because of his "over-indulgent nature" and shake my head in dismay; but when we apply a little relative perspective, I too, have not made the maximum use of my upbringing, resources, and alloted time. I think I would be better served to do a little more work on myself before I comment on anybody else's lot in life. Lastly, I am looking at the prospect of converting from Evangelical Lutheranism to Catholicism, but I want to fully educate myself in both faiths before I make a decision. I think that it is highly important for me to not only be a true part of my new family in all ways, but to be a leader. I don't mean to lead in the sense that I am the sole decision-maker, and orchestrator of every move that we make as a family, but rather that I will be a leader by example, and the one thing that all leaders do whether it is in the military, the church, or politics is lead by example. Anything else points toward hypocrisy.

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