Monday, February 05, 2001

Another weekend has come and gone, and I am poised to begin working my 5th Legislative Session, and I really don't want to be here...I am mournfully unhappy at the moment. I really want to take my life a different direction. The reality of life is really setting in, and there are a great many things that I wish that I had done differently. The longer I stay on this course at LRC the harder it will be to break away. I never wanted to become dependant on any vocation, but apparently that has happened. I suppose being nearly 30 years of age, the ability to pick up and switch gears becomes harder and harder. I am very happy with my relationship, but, it is because of my present relationship and all of the responsibility that I have now that I am taking more of an introspective look at the current state of my life. I have been blessed in a great many ways, but I don't think that I have truly blossomed yet. Any day now I suppose. I can just wait and see....this morning I showed up at Renee's office and brought her a cappuccino and a few Danishes from Magee's Bakery. Just to see her sitting there with that smile on her face and chatting with her made me think so much more of what I need to be doing in life. It wasn't that I wasn't interested in what Renee had to say, but just looking at her had my mind wandering to a multitude of faraway places. I thought about all that she means to me...my relationship with the boys, and where I will be this time next year. I suppose there is some reason besides relationship and finances that has me doing so much soul searching as of late. This weekend Renee and I went out to dinner and while we were there we discussed the prospect of having a child. Renee was all for it...as am I .....there is nothing that I want more than to have a child with Renee, but, I am very nervous about my health. To me, they have not been very forthcoming about this supposed "Desert Storm Sickness". I know there was a National Guard Unit over there that had many medical problems, and many of their children that were conceived after returning had a variety of health problems. Having a special needs child would not be something that I would be afraid of. I consider any child to be a gift from God, but the idea that "I" am to blame for a child's impaired mental and/or physical condition would be a heavy blow to take. I suppose the only thing to do would be to leave my prayers and my fears in God's hands......I suppose that is where everything belongs.

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