Another weekend has come and gone, and I am poised to begin working my 5th Legislative Session, and I really don't want to be here...I am mournfully unhappy at the moment. I really want to take my life a different direction. The reality of life is really setting in, and there are a great many things that I wish that I had done differently. The longer I stay on this course at LRC the harder it will be to break away. I never wanted to become dependant on any vocation, but apparently that has happened. I suppose being nearly 30 years of age, the ability to pick up and switch gears becomes harder and harder. I am very happy with my relationship, but, it is because of my present relationship and all of the responsibility that I have now that I am taking more of an introspective look at the current state of my life. I have been blessed in a great many ways, but I don't think that I have truly blossomed yet. Any day now I suppose. I can just wait and see....this morning I showed up at Renee's office and brought her a cappuccino and a few Danishes from Magee's Bakery. Just to see her sitting there with that smile on her face and chatting with her made me think so much more of what I need to be doing in life. It wasn't that I wasn't interested in what Renee had to say, but just looking at her had my mind wandering to a multitude of faraway places. I thought about all that she means to me...my relationship with the boys, and where I will be this time next year. I suppose there is some reason besides relationship and finances that has me doing so much soul searching as of late. This weekend Renee and I went out to dinner and while we were there we discussed the prospect of having a child. Renee was all for it...as am I .....there is nothing that I want more than to have a child with Renee, but, I am very nervous about my health. To me, they have not been very forthcoming about this supposed "Desert Storm Sickness". I know there was a National Guard Unit over there that had many medical problems, and many of their children that were conceived after returning had a variety of health problems. Having a special needs child would not be something that I would be afraid of. I consider any child to be a gift from God, but the idea that "I" am to blame for a child's impaired mental and/or physical condition would be a heavy blow to take. I suppose the only thing to do would be to leave my prayers and my fears in God's hands......I suppose that is where everything belongs.
Being an Officer...a Black one.....is sometimes hard. [Howard Rollins from "A Soldier's Story"] Sometimes being an Officer is difficult....not because of hard tasks, short timelines, or all of the worries involved in the care of your Soldier's, but the aura of professionalism and objectivity that you must display at all times. There have been many times that I have wanted to make a comment, yell, cuss at someone, or otherwise let my personal feelings be known about a subject, but unfortunately I could not because of my position. Let me tell you about two incidents that bothered me in particular. I was in Dallas Ft. Worth airport waiting to catch a flight on the last leg of my TDY trip to help a returning unit at Ft. Sill. As I went to my gate, I saw 4 Sailors in their black uniforms gathered at the gate...one was large and white, the other three were black. There was very little room, and many of them were standing intermingled with civilian airline passengers...
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