Wednesday, November 01, 2000

All men who are indeed men second guess themselves and analyze their position in life. I have been doing this more and more as of late. I have seriously considered going back into the military as a permanent career, but I have a great many things to consider now that I never even thought of before. There is the situation with my family, Renee's family, the boys, my financial situation, moving to another state, and the possibility that I could be seperated from Renee, Devon, and Robbie for an extended amount of time. I have thought and thought about all of the pros and cons of the situation and I am leaning toward turning from the military and exploring as many options as I can locally. I have thought about the significant impact that a move like this will have on Renee and the boys. I am concerned about her familial attachments also, but my main concern and point of approval is Renee. She says that she will stand with me no matter what, but I don't want to put her though anything unnecessary. Honestly at this stage of the game I feel as if maybe my impetus for wanting to do the military thing is the fact that in a short time I will be too old to enter the service. *sigh* Do I really want this, or is it simply the fact that I don't want to wonder what I could have done. I am going to pray on this one and let God lead me toward the proper decision. I can always fulfill my military officer dreams through the National Guard, while it may not have the same impact and all of that it will be an outlet. Right now, I feel as if there is so much I need to do in regard to bettering myself to be the best husband/father I can be to Renee and the boys. My father was so much to me, and still is for that matter, he always had time for me, always was there for me, and was always capable of providing me with whatever I needed...financially, emotionally, spiritually, all ways. If all men were half the man that my father is, the world would be nearly a perfect place. He is the person that I have tried to emulate for as long as I can remember. I try to compare my accomplishments to date with him, and invariably I do have a feeling of "coming up short". Oh well, I will keep trying...I love the Lord and all of the blessings that he has bestowed upon me. I know I just need to leave this in his hands......pray for me.

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