Sunday, February 26, 2006

My Inner Captain...
Get up Lieutenant!

I find that I am in need of a lot of self-motivation lately because of some of the obstacles I am facing. The best way I motivate myself is to picture myself in the position that I want to be in, and I talk to myself as if I am already there, or as if I am "that person." I know, rather strange but it helps when things seem hopeless. If I deploy with the BCT, then I could perhaps make Captain within the year, but I have a lot of correspondence and physical conditioning to do before I would even attempt to put a promotion packet in. Some mornings when I am laying there, and I feel sooooo tired, I really want to just say, "to hell with it." But, I have to call on my inner Captain....

Inner Captain: "Get up Lieutenant."

ME: "Go to hell..."

Inner Captain: "Damnit! You are talking to a Captain, Soldier!"

ME: "Go to hell...Sir?"

Inner Captain: "Wrong freaking answer, you! Get out of that rack and get moving! you have a mile to run, pushups to do, a shower to take, a uniform to prepare, kids to wake and dress, and two schools to drop them off at. GET MOVING!

ME: "*sigh*....*yawn*....alright....alright.......

Inner Captain: "And stop eating so friggin' late....your gut looks like hell......

ME: "yeah...yeah...yeah, Sir. I'm working on it.

That is what has become a daily routine for me. Not literally, of course. If I was pulling the "Many faces of Eve" thing I am sure that my wife would have had me committed, but my life is trying nonetheless. Expectations, demands, short timelines, limited resources, limited time.....I could go on and on. But I think you get the point. There are currently five facets of my life that I am concentrating on. I have a few random thoughts on each that I am still trying to sort out for myself.

On Expectations:
It has been a blessing in disguise to have so many people depending on me. However, I have reevaluated some of the expectations, the people putting them on me, and their motivations. Somebody always wants something, but what is really behind it? I have priorities in my life, and for the most part, "Me" is not on the top 10...I do a lot of things for the benefit of others. I don't mind that, but I really wonder how many people's list I am high on?

On Networking and Teamwork:
I know I am not the perfect person, the best husband/father/brother/son/friend, the best Soldier, the best Leader or anything like that, but I do put some effort into everything that I do. I am painfully aware of the people that I am dependent upon, and I try and make it known how much I appreciate them. Of course that is hard to convey sometimes. I do know that it tends to bother me when people take my efforts lightly.

On how I was forged:
I grew up in a home with a lot of love, a lot of structure, all of my needs, some of my wants, with all of the protection that I needed to keep me on the straight and narrow. I owe credit to my parents, my sisters, my friends, teachers, and even my enemies from my childhood. They made me who I am today. I owe them all because I am happy about who I am. I even owe the enemies a debt of gratitude.

On my Hero:
Dad, I wish I knew how in the hell you made everything look so damned easy. I wish I could go back and take back every day that I was a pain in the ass. I wish I could undo all of the times that I disappointed you. I wish I could go back and do a lot of things over again, but I am glad that you and Mom stuck by my side when things were really rough. I may not have liked how you said things to me, but you never told me anything that didn't have truth and substance behind it. You never told me to do anyting that was a benefit to you, it was always about me, about what would make my life better today and in the future. There are a few things I look back on now and say, "Damn if I would have only listened back there I would...:

On my New Philosophy:
Inaction is a sign of a lack of confidence in yourself. The unknown is always going to be there...but we have to do something. A lot of things we fear aren't necessarily about failure, but on how people perceive us if we do fail. If you can't switch gears and fix things on the fly, you are in a world of hurt. Sometimes things have to be done, and there is no wrong or right way. Additionally, you may know in advance that by doing the right thing, or the only thing available that you may have problems later on down the road. But, somebody has to do it. My new philosophy? When something has to be done for the greater good, and everyone else is slack-jawed and skiddish, I want to be the one to say, "Fuck it, I'll do it."

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