Thursday, May 29, 2003


Man, I am really tired of not being able to have ALL the things that I need, and SOME of the things that I want. Don't get me wrong, I am far from the superficial person who guages success by possessions, but I need more. I need more money, because I have more needs. It is really as easy as 1...2...3. I have one house and wife, two cars, and three kids. There you go. I have been looking for more income to buy some of the things that I really don't need, but kind of want. I don't like the budget just barely making it, I don't like choosing low grade gas because I know I need to buy baby formula. I just never imagined that after a college degree, and a quasi-lucrative career choice that things would be this tough. I suppose I needn't complain too much, just like my mother always told me, there is always someone in the Sudan that is worse off, but I am worried about the here and now....namely me. It doesn't make me feel good when my kids ask for something and I REALLY have a reason for saying no...."the budget is too tight."

I was dropping off my resume to a couple of places today and I was thinking about this. I pulled up at a stop light and saw an older gentleman in a Lexus....damn a Lexus would be nice, but I don't know about it happening for me in this lifetime.....I looked at the car, his expensive casual attire, his designer sunglasses and I had to think to myself. "This doesn't have these things because he wants to impress anybody. He did not purchase them as status symbols, rather he purchased them because he could!" In a way, all of those things were a sign. Somebody with those possessions is telling the world that he paid his dues, and he is confident and comfortable. That is all that I want. I want that feeling of security, morever, I want my FAMILY to have that feeling of security. I want to be a competent, confident, and capable husband and father. But right now I don't feel that way. *sigh*........Everyone tells me to be patient, I suppose I have no choice.

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